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Title: The One Where Koyama Turns Into a Woman
Author: Tha Wrecka
E-mail: scorpionightmare@yahoo.com
Summary: Koyama turns into a woman. Stupidity ensues.
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction, written entirely without malice, and the author intends no defamation.
Yamapi sometimes had weird fantasies about Koyama as a woman. Koyama would wear an apron, do his washing and feed him ramen after work and every so often a stork would deliver a baby to their doorstep. The real thing was not much like his fantasy.
Koyama as a woman was flat chested and sniffly, wearing a baggy sweater with sauce stains on and curling up on the couch, looking desolate.
"Um," Yamapi said, confused and with no idea what to do.
"I've turned into a woman, Yamapi!" Koyama cried and covered his blotchy face.
"Does this mean practice is cancelled?"
Practice was cancelled, which was good since everyone was too stunned to move.
"How did--?" Ryo started to ask.
"Mary said it happens to popstars all the time in America," Shige said.
Everyone went quiet, too shocked and freaked out to form sentences.
Yamapi tried to think. It would be a good time for him to display his leaderly qualities he never managed to use. It was time to be decisive and dependable.
"Shige, take Koyama home!" Yamapi ordered. "Everything will make sense in the morning."
It did not make any more sense in the morning. For one thing, Koyama was still a woman. He didn't make a very good woman, either, bony and nearly shapeless, too tall and awkward. He kept tripping over, not used to his centre of gravity being in a completely different position and preoccupied with his continuing shock at having girl parts.
"It's okay, Kei-chan," Tegoshi said, trying to be comforting. "Think of it as an opportunity!"
"An opportunity to do what?" Koyama asked, sceptical.
"An opportunity to go in the women's area at baths," Tegoshi explained, smiling innocently.
Suddenly, Koyama felt like the world was a much happier place.
"And you can take me shopping," Tegoshi continued.
"What? Why would I do that?"
"Don't you think it'd be fun, Kei-chan? Think of all the cute things you could buy!"
Koyama didn't want to buy cute things. Koyama wanted his penis back.
"I could help you pick out pretty new clothes and maybe we could find you hair things with cats on. Wouldn't that be nice? Don't pout, Kei-chan. I'm better at it than you."
Tegoshi eventually wheedled Koyama into going shopping with him. He had a lot of fun in the clothes stores because it was like he had his own life sized dolly to dress up and play with, only with Kei-chan's personality. It was a bit like what Tegoshi had always imagined having a sister would be like and he told Koyama so.
"I always wanted a sister, so that my mother would stop putting me in girl's clothing."
Shige had tried to ignore the fact that Koyama had turned into a girl. At first it wasn't too hard because Koyama wasn't a hot girl but then Koyama started wearing skirts and knee socks and things with bows on like he was trying to advertise that he was a girl now. Shige tried to pretend Koyama was still a boy but had just gotten seriously into cross dressing and it almost worked until Koyama started crying about cramps.
"It hurts, Shige," Koyama cried. "It's like my ovaries are trying to force their way out of my body via my lower back."
Shige twitched when Koyama mentioned his ovaries.
"I don't understand how I can bleed so much and not die!"
"What do you want me to do about it?" Shige asked.
When Shige found himself in the convenience store, trying to buy girly hygiene products while some pimply store clerk sneered at him, he regretted ever asking that question. He thought about saying that he was just buying these things for his best friend who had mysteriously turned into a girl and now had the menstrual cramps from hell but he realised how insane that would make him sound. He said it anyway.
Koyama was even less fun now that he was having girl problems. He wouldn't leave the house and hissed in pain any time anyone touched him between his shoulders and his bony girl knees. All he wanted to do was lie on the couch and drink tea.
Shige wanted to avoid Koyama until he was back to normal but it was too lonely without him so Shige was stuck at Koyama's house, making tea and sneezing every time the cat came near.
Massu got Koyama some chocolate. Koyama cried.
That, at least, was no different from normal. Koyama was still over-emotional and Ryo and Yamapi had the good sense to avoid him as much they could.
"Shige," Koyama said plaintively, curled up on the couch in the most hideous blue dress Shige had ever seen and with his hair all a mess. Shige had the brief thought that Koyama was strangely attractive like that and wanted to stab himself in the face.
"Yeah?"
"Shige, I have to ask you something big. If I'm stuck like this, well, I've always liked kids and always wanted to have a family and I just thought that if I have to be the woman and have the babies myself, I'd like you to be the father."
"What? No! I don't want to be a father!"
"Shige, not now! I'm not saying now. I'm saying in a few years time if I'm still like this."
"How can you ask something like that? Now you're making me imagine you pregnant. Yuck, I think I'm going to puke."
"It's not that bad," Koyama said, starting to look angry. "I just thought I could have cute little Kato babies but maybe I should just have cute little Tegoshi babies instead."
"No!" Shige yelled. "You are not having Tegoshi's babies. I disallow it."
"I bet I could have cute little Nishikido babies or cute little Nakamaru babies. I hope they'd get my nose."
"This conversation is not happening!"
The next day Koyama was a man again. Tegoshi was kind of disappointed.